Funny Quotes

-Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Brian Johnston (Cricket Commentator)
'The bowler is Holding, the batsmen's Willey'
'Fred Titmus has two short legs, one of them square'.
'Neil Harvey's at slip, with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle.'

Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.

Welcome to Worcester where you've just missed seeing Barry Richards hitting one of Basil D'Oliveira's balls clean out of the ground. -

He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time.

Kevin Keegan
'They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher place than that.'

'It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.'

'The ref was vertically 15 yards away.'

'I want more from David Beckham. I want him to improve on perfection.'

'In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.'

'The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful.'

"The tide is very much in our court now."

"Football is like a roundabout. Sometimes you are up and sometimes you're down"

'I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half-time.'

Alan Minter
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."

"No black man will ever take my title."
(before getting hammered in 3 rounds by Marvin Hagler)
(they are very good friends now though, I am happy to say)

Bill Clinton
Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.

Mayor Marion Barry
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

David Colemam
The Republic-of-China - back in the Olympic Games for the first time

The line up for the final of the womens 400 metre hurdles inclueds three Russians, two east Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman.

"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago."

He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds compared to the one before in 62 seconds

That's the fastest time ever run - but not as fast as the world record.

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people"

“Now Juantorena opens his legs and really shows his class.”

Ron Atkinson
I never criticise referees and I'm not going to change a habit for that prat.

"Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's - movement and positioning."

Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.

South Park
Mr Garrison: Now does anyone know what sexual harassment means? (Cartman raises his hand) Yes Eric?
Cartman: When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Bebe: Whatever! You guys are assholes!
Butters: At least we have assholes you dumb girl!

Jewish Kid: Is anyone else having problems concentrating on this? I just can't seem to concentrate.
Cartman: Maybe we should send you to a concentration camp.

Mr. Garrison: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early '60's?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods.
Mr. Garrison: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?

Spike Milligan
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia " I`ll draw a sketch of thee, what type of pencil shall I use, 2B or not 2B.

I went into the Undertakers, lay out across the counter and shouted "Shop!!!! "

My army medical consisted of two questions a) Have you got piles and b) Any insanity in your family. I answered "Yes" to both and was accepted A1

Sport
The English Football team : brilliant on paper, shit on grass. ( Arthur Smith )

There are two types of Manager - those who have just been sacked and those who are going to be sacked.

You`d think that if any team could put up a decent wall , it would be China. (Terry Venables)

The entire contents of the Manchester City Trophy room have been stolen. Police are looking for a man carrying a light blue carpet. ( Bernard Manning )

I went to a fight the other night and an ice hockey game broke out. ( Rodney Dangerfield )

Joan Rivers
My friend confused her Valium with her Birth Control Pills ; she`s now got 14 kids but doesn`t give a shit !!

I hate housework - you make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Bette Midler
I married a German ; every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me !!

But enough about me ; let`s talk about you ; what do you think about me !!!

George Burns ( 100 year old comic)
Who wants to live to 98 ??? - 97year olds, that`s who !!!

Every morning I get up, read the obituary column, and if my name aint there, I shave .

If I marry again, I`ll go on honeymoon to Viagra Falls.